When sorry just won't do!

I have come to learn that there are certain words in our vocabulary that are an exact antonym for what they mean; and they are many. And many things are done and said in the name of actualizing the meanings of such words. ‘Love’ happens to be one such word. Love is supposed to elicit happiness, joy, and excitement but in most cases it brings on broken hearts, sorrow and tears.

But one of the most misused words I have come across in the English language is the word ‘sorry’. The uttering of this word is meant as an apology, an appeasement for some wrong doing by the one who says it and it is hopefully meant to make amends. Unfortunately, for most people ‘am sorry’ has become a very convenient way of avoiding facing up to their responsibilities and the consequences of their actions. It is a means for justifying their actions and for some, it is a weapon for diffusing the wrath of those they have offended.

‘Sorry’ has also been used to play emotional games with the wrong doer saying it to manipulate the plaintiff. People will tell you sorry to put you in a position where you have to forgive them failure to which, you look bad. Sorry rarely constitutes a genuine apology.

It is because of this that I have come up with a checklist for apologies. Before I accept anyone’s apology, they need to meet a few requirements to ensure that they are not taking me for a ride and to determine if they qualify to be forgiven.

Top on this list is the why; the why in an apology helps to determine the reasoning employed by the offender in doing the action that they are now sorry for. If I have been sitting in a restaurant waiting for you and you are an hour late, you shouldn’t expect to come and say you are sorry and expect things to be fine. I don’t so much need your apology like I need to understand what is it that you were doing during that one hour that was so important to keep me waiting for an hour.

Most people like taking short cuts and they simply want to say they are sorry and when you ask them for the reason, they start throwing a tantrum saying they have apologized and if you can’t accept their apology, then there is nothing they can do about it. That does not cut in my books; you must work harder than that.

A genuine apology means a confession. I find it almost impossible to believe an apology that comes after one has been caught red handed. If you catch your husband cheating on you and he starts blubbering and jabbering all manner of apologies on bended knees, does that mean he is sorry? Yes, but sorry that he has been caught not sorry that he was cheating. If he was genuinely sorry about having had a roll in the hay, the guilt would have been gnawing at him so badly that he would have confessed his crimes without you having to catch him first. A true apology means recognizing that what you did is wrong and not needing the threat of a lost marriage or friendship for you to be sorry.

An apology should also constitute restitution. It is not enough for you to say you are sorry; you should show this by trying to make amends where possible. If you have kept someone waiting for you in a restaurant forcing them to take unnecessary drinks or meals as they wait for you, then the least you can do is pay for them. If you have damaged someone’s property, replace it. Restitution is an important part of an apology. Of course, there are some offences for which compensation is not possible but even for those, one can look for other means of easing the magnitude of their crime.

Lastly, a genuine apology should include a firm desire not to repeat the offence. Most people are in law terms repeat offenders. We all have friends who are always sorry for doing the same thing over and over again that we no longer bother with their apologies. Any true apology means one will desist from any other behaviour that is similar to the offensive one.

Now, that is what I call an apology. The next time someone utters those two simple words “am sorry” pause for a moment and have a think about it.