Kenya is in the throes of political madness once again with the general elections literally at our door step. Come to think of it, since 2003 after the Kibaki government took over, the country has been in a state of heightened political activity despite common expectation that the political temperatures would have simmered down after we evicted retired president Daniel Arap Moi from the throne he had sat on for close to quarter of a century. We witnessed anarchy among government ministers as had never been witnessed before, the president firing his whole cabinet and a lot of political theatrics.
Now, we are in the cooking pot as far as politics go; in fact we are bubbling hot and the next elections promise to be hotly contested. In that line there have been many political analysts – real, wanna be, aspiring – who have taken on the duty of picking apart the political fish (oops, I should be careful in using such words at this time as I may be accused of leaning politically on one side and many other things) okay, or the political chicken, goat, cow or whatever you want to call it.
One of the things that have come up from many analysts is that Kenya has never been more tribal than it is today; detractors of Kibaki’s government have accused it of balkanizing Kenyans into tribal groups. And many people seem to believe this and that is why this article I am publishing – written by Simiyu Barasa (Script Writer, Film Director and Producer) – is so interesting. It gives a new, fresh and hitherto unexplored perspective on the political scenario. The article was in response to another article that expressed grave fear about our future as a country given the tribal divisions that are perceived to be there with the worried writer suggesting that we may be going the Rwanda way.
Have a read of Barasa’s response and let me know what you think:
WHO IS AFRAID OF JALUO?
This is Kenya. For those who don't know, Kenya oscillates between violent spasms of tribalism , ethnic hate talk, murderous calls for the elimination of the 'other' big tribe before 'they finish us small tribe', and yet despite all this drama, we haven't gone the Rwanda way; or the Somali way, or for that matter, The New Orleans way. Which begs the question, why do Kenyans laugh about themselves in bars and at home and in Redykulass TV show, yet during the day everyone else in the media and the whole world think that we are about to go to war?
I think because we are all too much talk and no action. Or rather the press gives too much attention to our politicians saying ogopa jaluo itatumaliza, twanga Kikuyu wamekula mali yetu sana, or Baluhya ni shi? This is our time to stop eating ingokho only and eat from the seat of presidency. Which is why I understand you, John*, and your fears, and at the same moment am left confused whether all this political madness going on in our country is indeed just tribal hatred or something deeper.
Look, if it were that simple, TRIBE and ‘otherising’ the other tribe, no one would be scared Kibaki is going to lose the elections. For real, he has the whole Gikuyu behind him, the populous Bukusu sub tribe of the Luhya, and several others. Raila would have no chance whatsoever, no tribe in Kenya loves Luo - Oh no, they are pompous, arrogant, melodramatic, and the only good thing they have ever given to the Kenyan history is riots, attempted coups, Tony Nyadundo, Oliech, and through African traditions you are one of us despite your father dumping your mother, Barrack Obama, the next African president of America, Luo to be precise.
It’s not that simple. That is why there is no need to panic that there is mass murder awaiting to happen. This month alone, there have been three presidential launches in the city. The second one, by Raila, made people fear to go about their normal duties in the city thinking 'the Luos will be chaotic and cause riots'. It never happened. It was so disciplined, public transport went on the normal way, and everyone looked a fool for fearing the worst. Kalonzo went on his, everyone feared he was about to embarrass himself by choosing Uhuru park. Will he fill the grounds? Kambas are not that many, even if he took all of them from Makueni. In the end he pulled what I think is the greatest shock in Kenyan political meetings: the whole place was crowded to the core, UNTIL NOW PEOPLE ARE WONDERING HOW HE PULLED HIS FEAT. Newspapers are stumbling all over dictionaries looking for superlatives to say he pulled a miracle.
Kibaki is facing a rebellion among even his Gikuyu. In town, the talk is 'his campaign team doesn't want to listen to others, they think Mau Mau era tactics will work' others are 'he has sent so many of our young people to jail, how does he expect us to vote him in?'while ironically others say 'he let us be killed by Mungiki, Kikuyus have suffered a lot under his reign. We are the ones who have died most."
There in lies the answer. Its not about tribal politics, it's about a paradigm shift in thought and philosophy that is creating such heat in this year’s general elections. Raila has never spoken anything constructive on what he will do once he is president, (infact he is somersaulting and doing about turns in his political 'I will do this' list with every rising day) yet he is getting mass appeal. Because guys are not seeing him as a Luo (of course the Luos are seeing him as this), but Kenyans think he has youth, vigour, and doesn't belong to the RICH ARROGANT GUYS WHO MADE IT DURING COLONIAL TIMES. The Kibakis and Michukis who have formed a 29 member team that arrogantly left out the Mungatanas and Kituyis who have all along managed to sell Kibaki as the Kenyan god.
Kalonzo is seen as the guy who God blessed to rise from poverty and be a Kenyan of note without having a political father like Raila or money from Molasses and East African Gas or whatever it's called.
This is the anger. And the Kibaki machinery has failed to read this. They opted to use the old trick of crying JALUO to bring down Raila, but Kenyans have moved away from this. Raila uses the 'ARROGANT RICH WHO ASK WHY ARE YOU SAYING YOU DON'T HAVE BREAD TO EAT, DON'T YOU HAVE CAKE? and so is Kalonzo. And in this, they are succeeding. So now a few hoarse cries are going around over-trying to create fear the Luo and fear the Kikuyu rhetoric almost to genocide proportions but no one is paying attention to them except the lazy Kenyan armchair press and the 'This iswhat Africa is about-Rwanda' International press.
In the streets, there is no fear of bloodshed, just fear of who will win and save us. So, no one is afraid of any tribe in Kenya. Mwai Kibaki was the first Luo president in Kenyan history, until he let Githongo and the likes take off this shawl by refusing to listen to Githongo and company and reign in on greed, instead listening to his goons telling him 'Let Githongo talk we are Gikuyus, let’s eat, he can join us if he wants'. Raila will be the Gikuyu president if he lets matatus carry as many as they can, abolish Kanju raids tohawkers, and give the Luo - Nyanza road construction contracts to Kikuyu cowboys. You just have to ask who put up the Raila People's president sign boards on Haille Sellasie / Uhuru Highway round about to realize this. (I mean, if the mayor can recede on a contract to light the city because he wants his friends to get a bite of the cake they never baked, and says he supports Kibaki tena, hit the mayor even if it means hitting Kibaki).
Kibaki is just collateral damage in the class war in Kenya that is the bottom line. And that is the thing to panic about, not tribalism. Coz class means money, means age, and means philosophy wars.
* Name has been changed to protect privacy.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Monday, August 6, 2007
Finally Found
It's been long since i wrote this blog but I am planning to get my act together soon and put up something much more exciting than this particular piece I am writing now and for that matter, i think i had better stop writing until i have something much more sensible to say. Laters
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Pornography - With whom does the buck stop?
This blog is an article I had published some while back on g21.net, an online magazine, in reaction to an article by Simiyu Barasa, an author of great talent and whom I hold in great esteem. His article is attached and herein published is my reaction. Let's get the debate on pornography going!
To begin with, I agree with the definition given by the author drawn from that of Andrea Dworkin, a feminist writer, and her lawyer compatriot, Catherine Mackinnon that pornography is a form of subordination of women. However, I think pornography is more than subordination; if you ask me, it is also a form of sexual perversion because one, pornography does not only involve women; there is also male pornography.
Secondly, for the pornographers, I don't think they feel subordinated, on the contrary, they feel liberated and for them, it is a form of sexual pleasure. They get a kick from looking sexy and arousing those feelings. So, for women who engage in pornography, it is a power thing, not subordination! They feel powerful to have men ogle at their bodies and want them and yet, in all probability, they can't have them (like in the case of magazines); a kind of femme fatale thing.
Secondly, Barasa argues that the 'girl' who walks out of a movie hall complaining that women are treated as sex objects, implies by her statement that a woman is a tangible object. Well, a woman is a tangible object, Barasa, although that is not the only thing that she is. I think we cannot separate the fact that a person is a physical, spiritual, and emotional being. In that sense, the you in one way is not tangible, it is an essence, like the soul; but the physical you is tangible and therefore, it is possible for that you, the physical one, to be treated as an object.
However, I do agree with the author that by focusing on physical pornography, we forget that there can be mental pornography.
I disagree with the argument espoused by the author in his reference to the proposals made by Linda Moncheck that sexual objectification based on physical bodies is a key contributor to the domestication of women by men. On the contrary, I don't think it is the sexual objectification of a woman's body that allows her to be dominated by a male world, I think it is first the mental sexual subjection of a woman through things like culture, which assign certain roles for the different sexes, societal norms of what a woman can/should and cannot/should not do, that translate to the physical sexual objectification.
I think the author is mistaken when he argues that women also want to be treated as sexual objects as in the case of a woman dressing up in a sexy evening gown that flatters her physical attributes. There is a very big difference between a woman wanting a man to appreciate her as an emotional, spiritual and sexual being (like in the case of dressing in a manner that flatters one's physique, like in wanting to have sex with your husband/boyfriend etc and in him appreciating your body) and being treated as a sexual object.
You see, if my man tells me I have a great body, yes, he sees the physical me, but then, I am in a relationship with this man and I know that he appreciates other attributes about me, like my brains, my listening ear, etc, so in that sense, it is not only [in] the physical. He is seeing me, the whole me.
Now in pornography, it doesn't matter if I am Jane, Mary, Harriet, it is the breasts, the thighs, and the butt that matter regardless of whom they belong to.
Regarding the author's discussion on "The Vagina Monologues" which are considered to be nothing short of pornography by some but are viewed by [its] proponents as liberation of women, my view is that they beat the purpose they are trying to achieve and it is vulgarity. You see, you don't fight what you don't like by becoming it, e.g when women get into politics, to prove that they can be better or at par with the men, they become as vulgar, crude and corrupt as the men. But in doing so, they lose the war. For women to think that they are liberating themselves from being viewed as sexual objects by flaunting, in a way, the core of their sexuality 'the vagina' then in that way, they only reinforce what they have been trying to fight because they become as pornographic as the men.
I totally agree with the author's discussion on the supposed difference [between] pornography and erotica. My take: all of them are pornography and just because one is occurring in some small room in the slum and the other one is occurring in an exclusive club in the form of strip dancers and table dancers does not make them different.
When it comes to the role of literature in promoting pornography, the author attempts to give literature a clean [bill of] health arguing that literature, by highlighting pornographic acts, does not contribute to the subordination of women but only depicts what is already in existence in society.
I disagree. Pornography in literature is a form of subordination of women as well as a depiction of it. It is true that the authors are feeding from the readily available material in the form of society's moral decadence but, on the other hand, by authors - both male and female - writing such things, they subordinate women. A teenage boy reading After 4.30 may know pornography exists but may not be in the know of the types, the graphic details. Now when you write and tell him that a woman can enjoy being raped, that there are many things besides his male organ that can be inserted into a woman, that women want a man who is rough and harsh, then you are helping subordinate women in the mind of this boy. So, you are not only depicting but also helping the vicious cycle! The author should therefore equally condemn literature even as he is calling us to castigate movies and magazines that promote the culture of pornography.
I have read Barasa's article with keen interest and I must say the author has looked at the whole issue of pornography and feminism from a fresh angle. He gives great insight into the whole debate. However, there are some things I feel were not critically looked at or needed further exploration and I have taken the opportunity to highlight what I agreed and disagreed with in the article.
To begin with, I agree with the definition given by the author drawn from that of Andrea Dworkin, a feminist writer, and her lawyer compatriot, Catherine Mackinnon that pornography is a form of subordination of women. However, I think pornography is more than subordination; if you ask me, it is also a form of sexual perversion because one, pornography does not only involve women; there is also male pornography.
Secondly, for the pornographers, I don't think they feel subordinated, on the contrary, they feel liberated and for them, it is a form of sexual pleasure. They get a kick from looking sexy and arousing those feelings. So, for women who engage in pornography, it is a power thing, not subordination! They feel powerful to have men ogle at their bodies and want them and yet, in all probability, they can't have them (like in the case of magazines); a kind of femme fatale thing.
Secondly, Barasa argues that the 'girl' who walks out of a movie hall complaining that women are treated as sex objects, implies by her statement that a woman is a tangible object. Well, a woman is a tangible object, Barasa, although that is not the only thing that she is. I think we cannot separate the fact that a person is a physical, spiritual, and emotional being. In that sense, the you in one way is not tangible, it is an essence, like the soul; but the physical you is tangible and therefore, it is possible for that you, the physical one, to be treated as an object.
However, I do agree with the author that by focusing on physical pornography, we forget that there can be mental pornography.
I disagree with the argument espoused by the author in his reference to the proposals made by Linda Moncheck that sexual objectification based on physical bodies is a key contributor to the domestication of women by men. On the contrary, I don't think it is the sexual objectification of a woman's body that allows her to be dominated by a male world, I think it is first the mental sexual subjection of a woman through things like culture, which assign certain roles for the different sexes, societal norms of what a woman can/should and cannot/should not do, that translate to the physical sexual objectification.
I think the author is mistaken when he argues that women also want to be treated as sexual objects as in the case of a woman dressing up in a sexy evening gown that flatters her physical attributes. There is a very big difference between a woman wanting a man to appreciate her as an emotional, spiritual and sexual being (like in the case of dressing in a manner that flatters one's physique, like in wanting to have sex with your husband/boyfriend etc and in him appreciating your body) and being treated as a sexual object.
You see, if my man tells me I have a great body, yes, he sees the physical me, but then, I am in a relationship with this man and I know that he appreciates other attributes about me, like my brains, my listening ear, etc, so in that sense, it is not only [in] the physical. He is seeing me, the whole me.
Now in pornography, it doesn't matter if I am Jane, Mary, Harriet, it is the breasts, the thighs, and the butt that matter regardless of whom they belong to.
Regarding the author's discussion on "The Vagina Monologues" which are considered to be nothing short of pornography by some but are viewed by [its] proponents as liberation of women, my view is that they beat the purpose they are trying to achieve and it is vulgarity. You see, you don't fight what you don't like by becoming it, e.g when women get into politics, to prove that they can be better or at par with the men, they become as vulgar, crude and corrupt as the men. But in doing so, they lose the war. For women to think that they are liberating themselves from being viewed as sexual objects by flaunting, in a way, the core of their sexuality 'the vagina' then in that way, they only reinforce what they have been trying to fight because they become as pornographic as the men.
I totally agree with the author's discussion on the supposed difference [between] pornography and erotica. My take: all of them are pornography and just because one is occurring in some small room in the slum and the other one is occurring in an exclusive club in the form of strip dancers and table dancers does not make them different.
When it comes to the role of literature in promoting pornography, the author attempts to give literature a clean [bill of] health arguing that literature, by highlighting pornographic acts, does not contribute to the subordination of women but only depicts what is already in existence in society.
I disagree. Pornography in literature is a form of subordination of women as well as a depiction of it. It is true that the authors are feeding from the readily available material in the form of society's moral decadence but, on the other hand, by authors - both male and female - writing such things, they subordinate women. A teenage boy reading After 4.30 may know pornography exists but may not be in the know of the types, the graphic details. Now when you write and tell him that a woman can enjoy being raped, that there are many things besides his male organ that can be inserted into a woman, that women want a man who is rough and harsh, then you are helping subordinate women in the mind of this boy. So, you are not only depicting but also helping the vicious cycle! The author should therefore equally condemn literature even as he is calling us to castigate movies and magazines that promote the culture of pornography.
Finally, it's kudos to Mr. Barasa for being brave enough to brooch into such a controversial topic and take on the traditional thinking on the issue of pornography.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Barbie Comes to Life!!!
An African woman, is a beautiful woman, a quality woman, not a quantity woman …these are part of the lyrics to the song ‘African Woman’ by Jommenes in praise of the attributes of African women. I love this song; so don’t misunderstand me, but I find it ironical because in today’s world, the beauty of a woman is precisely determined by her quantity – the quantity of breasts, hips, posterior, tummy, the list is endless - and not any other inner attributes that she may possess.
The various body parts of a woman are considered excellent, very good, good, fair, average or lacking, depending on their sizes. It is how big or small is her posterior? How about her hips? How thick and long is her hair? What size are her breasts? Are her toes small and shapely or are they huge and blotchy? Everywhere, size and quantity are being used to appraise women and their beauty.
But of course no one admits to this. People will always give you this line, ‘For me, what matters first and foremost is the inner beauty and the inner person; you know, someone can be beautiful on the outside but inside they are nothing.’ My response to this – absolute and utter nonsense. If we actually judged people by their inner beauty, so many people would not be where they are today. It is their looks that have got them there.
While men do get judged by their looks, it is women who are the main victims. So, what is a beautiful woman and especially in our context, a beautiful African woman? Okot p’Bitek in his much acclaimed Poem, ‘The song of Lawino’ addresses this issue among the many other issues raised in this epic. The book discusses the issues facing a liberated Africa which vary from religion to culture and traditions.
Lawino’s husband, Ocol, takes on a second wife, a white woman, and seems to prefer her and her ways to Lawino, who laments her husband’s neglect and changed ways in the poem. In one part of the poem, she compares the beauty of the African woman to that of the European describing the African woman as voluptuous with thick lips so that when she kisses her beloved, he will not forget her kiss. She hits out at her rival, the European co-wife as being unhealthily thin and with thin pale lips.
While in many parts of the world, thin women with just the right amount of flesh in certain key parts are considered beautiful; this is not the case in Jamaica. In Jamaica, big is beautiful, and western ideologies of beauty do not apply there. In fact, it is claimed that some women eat chicken feed to gain weight.
However, the catch here is that you need to be light which has led to many Jamaican women getting all manner of skin conditions due to the usage of dangerous chemicals to bleach their faces. This has become such a serious issue that the Jamaican government has actually instituted a campaign against use of facial lighteners which also aims at encouraging Jamaicans to accept themselves just as they are.
Now, I understand that there is a limit to how much we can say size does not matter. Obesity is on the rise especially in the developed world; even among children. But for the majority of people, there size does not pose a health risk, maybe a fashion one.
It is unfortunate that young women are suffering from diseases such as anorexia and bulimia just to be considered beautiful when in reality there is nothing wrong with them and these are beautiful women in every sense of the word. Others are going for elective surgeries, having silicon implanted into their breasts, their hips and behinds sliced up to be reduced and liposuction on their stomachs and thighs all in the name of attaining the desired image.
As women, we need to realize that no matter how much we try, we will never look perfect to everyone. Someone will always want us to have a little bit more or a little bit less in certain areas. We must define what is beautiful to us and refuse to be forced into the box; after all, what makes the world an interesting place to live in is its diversity.
Imagine what kind of world it would be if all the women were tall and the famed shape of 36-24-36 and all the men were 6 ft tall, handsome and with a firm six pack? Where would the fun and uniqueness be? More importantly, I am genuinely worried that the Barbie doll is becoming personified by women all over the world and we may soon have a world of Barbies!
The various body parts of a woman are considered excellent, very good, good, fair, average or lacking, depending on their sizes. It is how big or small is her posterior? How about her hips? How thick and long is her hair? What size are her breasts? Are her toes small and shapely or are they huge and blotchy? Everywhere, size and quantity are being used to appraise women and their beauty.
But of course no one admits to this. People will always give you this line, ‘For me, what matters first and foremost is the inner beauty and the inner person; you know, someone can be beautiful on the outside but inside they are nothing.’ My response to this – absolute and utter nonsense. If we actually judged people by their inner beauty, so many people would not be where they are today. It is their looks that have got them there.
While men do get judged by their looks, it is women who are the main victims. So, what is a beautiful woman and especially in our context, a beautiful African woman? Okot p’Bitek in his much acclaimed Poem, ‘The song of Lawino’ addresses this issue among the many other issues raised in this epic. The book discusses the issues facing a liberated Africa which vary from religion to culture and traditions.
Lawino’s husband, Ocol, takes on a second wife, a white woman, and seems to prefer her and her ways to Lawino, who laments her husband’s neglect and changed ways in the poem. In one part of the poem, she compares the beauty of the African woman to that of the European describing the African woman as voluptuous with thick lips so that when she kisses her beloved, he will not forget her kiss. She hits out at her rival, the European co-wife as being unhealthily thin and with thin pale lips.
While in many parts of the world, thin women with just the right amount of flesh in certain key parts are considered beautiful; this is not the case in Jamaica. In Jamaica, big is beautiful, and western ideologies of beauty do not apply there. In fact, it is claimed that some women eat chicken feed to gain weight.
However, the catch here is that you need to be light which has led to many Jamaican women getting all manner of skin conditions due to the usage of dangerous chemicals to bleach their faces. This has become such a serious issue that the Jamaican government has actually instituted a campaign against use of facial lighteners which also aims at encouraging Jamaicans to accept themselves just as they are.
Now, I understand that there is a limit to how much we can say size does not matter. Obesity is on the rise especially in the developed world; even among children. But for the majority of people, there size does not pose a health risk, maybe a fashion one.
It is unfortunate that young women are suffering from diseases such as anorexia and bulimia just to be considered beautiful when in reality there is nothing wrong with them and these are beautiful women in every sense of the word. Others are going for elective surgeries, having silicon implanted into their breasts, their hips and behinds sliced up to be reduced and liposuction on their stomachs and thighs all in the name of attaining the desired image.
As women, we need to realize that no matter how much we try, we will never look perfect to everyone. Someone will always want us to have a little bit more or a little bit less in certain areas. We must define what is beautiful to us and refuse to be forced into the box; after all, what makes the world an interesting place to live in is its diversity.
Imagine what kind of world it would be if all the women were tall and the famed shape of 36-24-36 and all the men were 6 ft tall, handsome and with a firm six pack? Where would the fun and uniqueness be? More importantly, I am genuinely worried that the Barbie doll is becoming personified by women all over the world and we may soon have a world of Barbies!
Thursday, May 10, 2007
The jungle of modern dating!
For those who are still bidding their time in looking for the perfect mate, this piece is a wake up call for them. First, the bible states clearly that there will be no marriage in heaven, and for very good reasons too which I will expound in a short while. Now, if that is the case, and Kenya’s life expectancy is below 50 years, then anyone above the age of 25 and hopes to get married but is dilly dallying in the hope of capturing the elusive soul mate need to up their game now.
Let me substantiate my earlier statement about no marriage in heaven. There is this time the Pharisees, in an attempt to test Jesus, came to him with a hypothetical situation. The story was of a woman who marries a man and he dies before he can sire any children with her; consequently, the man’s brother marries the woman to continue his dead brother’s lineage. Unfortunately, the second brother dies without giving the woman any children and a third brother steps in to save the family tree, but he too dies. This goes on until the last brother, the seventh, also dies without having any children with the woman. Thinking themselves very clever, the Pharisees then posed to Jesus this question, “when the woman dies and she eventually gets to heaven, whose wife will she be?” And that is where Jesus makes the shocking revelation, at least to the Pharisees, that there will be no marriage in heaven.
The process of getting a suitable spouse in today’s world in a laborious uphill task that only the brave and strong of heart should dare to attempt. The golden old days when men were serious and lived up to their responsibilities are today buried in the annals of history. In those days, a man did not engage in casual sex and go sowing his wild oats all over. If you made a girl pregnant out of wedlock, then you lived up to your responsibility and married her and helped her to raise your child. And such a man did not go wandering to other women in the name of love; he faced the consequences of his action like a true man. I guess circumcision actually meant something at that time. It distinguished the men from the boys.
In the modern world, dating has become a very complex and ruthless affair and those getting into the arena need to have properly girded themselves for a bruising battle. To begin with, there is the vicious cycle which is part of Mother Nature; Jane wants John but John wants Catherine. Unfortunately, Catherine couldn’t care less about John, she is pining for Michael and the story goes on. It is almost miraculous for two people to actually want each other at the exact same given period in time. And what is even more distressing is that most people, when they are lucky enough for the miracle to happen to them, don’t realize that the probabilities are set against them and they go ahead to do a pretty good job of messing up things.
One of the most constant complaints I hear from my girlfriends is that there are simply no husband material men. Today’s men have become exotic sportsmen and hunters with the prey being as many girls as they can lay their hands on. The women too cannot be absolved from blame with the increasing attitude of ‘two can play the game’ urging them on. As a result, we have a harem going on.
Then of course there is the very tedious process of trying to vet a potential spouse and nowadays there are just so many bad behaviours and mannerisms out there that the check list and vetting procedure is closer to a dissertation than a list. And even when you get a prospective, you still have to deal with those who argue that nothing is final till death and will not accept their loss in love graciously.
Musical diva Whitney Houston who sang the song “Where do broken hearts go” may have to re-edit the song because today’s broken hearts heal at an amazing speed. You dump your boyfriend over SMS today and next week you are head over heels in love with another man. C’est la vie.
The more I think about dating today, the more the match making that used to be done by parents in the past era seems attractive. And for the future generation, we should start not only match making but marrying them at birth and then monitoring them and we may save a lot of people a lot of problems.
Let me substantiate my earlier statement about no marriage in heaven. There is this time the Pharisees, in an attempt to test Jesus, came to him with a hypothetical situation. The story was of a woman who marries a man and he dies before he can sire any children with her; consequently, the man’s brother marries the woman to continue his dead brother’s lineage. Unfortunately, the second brother dies without giving the woman any children and a third brother steps in to save the family tree, but he too dies. This goes on until the last brother, the seventh, also dies without having any children with the woman. Thinking themselves very clever, the Pharisees then posed to Jesus this question, “when the woman dies and she eventually gets to heaven, whose wife will she be?” And that is where Jesus makes the shocking revelation, at least to the Pharisees, that there will be no marriage in heaven.
The process of getting a suitable spouse in today’s world in a laborious uphill task that only the brave and strong of heart should dare to attempt. The golden old days when men were serious and lived up to their responsibilities are today buried in the annals of history. In those days, a man did not engage in casual sex and go sowing his wild oats all over. If you made a girl pregnant out of wedlock, then you lived up to your responsibility and married her and helped her to raise your child. And such a man did not go wandering to other women in the name of love; he faced the consequences of his action like a true man. I guess circumcision actually meant something at that time. It distinguished the men from the boys.
In the modern world, dating has become a very complex and ruthless affair and those getting into the arena need to have properly girded themselves for a bruising battle. To begin with, there is the vicious cycle which is part of Mother Nature; Jane wants John but John wants Catherine. Unfortunately, Catherine couldn’t care less about John, she is pining for Michael and the story goes on. It is almost miraculous for two people to actually want each other at the exact same given period in time. And what is even more distressing is that most people, when they are lucky enough for the miracle to happen to them, don’t realize that the probabilities are set against them and they go ahead to do a pretty good job of messing up things.
One of the most constant complaints I hear from my girlfriends is that there are simply no husband material men. Today’s men have become exotic sportsmen and hunters with the prey being as many girls as they can lay their hands on. The women too cannot be absolved from blame with the increasing attitude of ‘two can play the game’ urging them on. As a result, we have a harem going on.
Then of course there is the very tedious process of trying to vet a potential spouse and nowadays there are just so many bad behaviours and mannerisms out there that the check list and vetting procedure is closer to a dissertation than a list. And even when you get a prospective, you still have to deal with those who argue that nothing is final till death and will not accept their loss in love graciously.
Musical diva Whitney Houston who sang the song “Where do broken hearts go” may have to re-edit the song because today’s broken hearts heal at an amazing speed. You dump your boyfriend over SMS today and next week you are head over heels in love with another man. C’est la vie.
The more I think about dating today, the more the match making that used to be done by parents in the past era seems attractive. And for the future generation, we should start not only match making but marrying them at birth and then monitoring them and we may save a lot of people a lot of problems.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Are you crazy?!!!!
Stepping outside my friend’s gate as we went to the supermarket, a car was parked a few meters ahead of us and inside, was a man and girl slapping each other. At first I thought it was some sort of a lover’s play, until we passed them. They were actually fighting. Or rather, the man was beating up the girl, inside the car, and she just sat there, like a stuffed turkey, not even bothering to scream or shout. “Sometimes you wish to intervene,” my friend said, “but it seems they are used to it. If she needed help she would be shouting or screaming, or at least get out of the car and if the man chases after her, we can deal with him.”
Really? I wondered. My friend was a man and the female chauvinist in me was ready to jump to the defence of female kind but I let it go. He said that we might just step in to save the girl only for us to be caught in the middle with both the girl and her man attacking you for interfering with their lives. Read Moliere’s play A Doctor In spite of Himself for a classic example.
A month prior to that, we were walking down Nakumatt Uhuru Highway with the same friend when a man started fighting with a lady he claimed he was together with. A crowd gathered because the girl denied that she was with him. The man was grabbing her bag and her but the lady was not making a spirited effort to fight off the man; in fact she almost seemed to be negotiating with him. My friend suggested that the lady was lying; otherwise why did she still stand there and engage the man in a heated argument? If a man or woman whom you don't know stops you in the middle of town and starts pulling at your bag don't you scream THIEF!? I was tempted to argue but once again, I held my tongue and how glad I am that I did not do my characteristic thing and rally to the defence of these women.
An hour later, back to the lovers in the car story, we came back to the flats. The car was now parked next to the black gate. The man was seated sullen, chin propped on his knuckles, elbow on the open driver’s window staring out of his car. The girl was seated still in the same car, buckled up, staring in the opposite direction at the outside world through the passenger window. How is one beaten in a car then sit with her assailant in the car sulking at each other?
“You see!” A much vindicated friend said. “If we had interfered we would have been the ones in trouble. That girl didn’t want to be rescued.” And unfortunately, he was absolutely right.
That got me irate. Women, women, women! When shall we be liberated if we believe to be physically assaulted is part of the love game? That to be slapped and have your hair pulled out in public is part of life? That to have your clothes torn off in the middle of Moi Avenue on a Monday lunchtime has to be forgiven because it’s love anyway and naturally lovers fight? With women like these, the war is half lost, we don't even need men to condemn us, we have condemned ourselves already.
If a man slaps you, scream. That is not love. Run, that is not normal. Never see him again; it isn’t an ‘I am sorry’ situation. Never pick his calls, it isn’t a ‘I just lost it please forgive me’ kind of thing. How many end up dead in a morgue, beaten to a faceless pulp, by the men they claim loved them to death? It all starts with a slap and a forgiveness, giving the chance for a repeat that grows more and more violent and you never realise he is a killer till you are the one in the news as “A woman was hacked with a panga by her irate husband/boyfriend/lover.”
Some say that their cultures dictate they be beaten as a sign of love. Wait till you are in hospital with fatal injuries, we will see where that culture will be to heal you. Why do we allow our reasoning to be done by others, yet we are the ones who feel the pains and even die?
Some say they persevere because of the children. Will your corpse feed them when you are dead from ‘a knock inflicted by a blunt object’ like a rolling pin?
And as for the gold diggers who are too lazy to work for their own money and are afraid that if they run from the man they won’t have anyone to feed them, give them that posh limousine ride their friends so envy and take them to posh hotels, all I can say is that you are the most stupid person on earth.
Is the money worth the black eye you try to hide every week which you claim is as a result of an unfortunate fall? Deep down your heart it hurts. Deep down your soul you know you feel like a piece of trash. Deep down your conscience you know it is not right. It is not right because you are a beautiful woman, dignified mother, lovely sister who deserves the best. But if you treat yourself as garbage, why would anyone else think you are worth anything?
For women who, like that girl, value the cheap plastic covers of second hand Nissan Sunny cars that they can be slapped and kicked and abused yet refuse to open that door and run, heaven have mercy on your poor souls when you go there prematurely. Me, No one will ever beat me, love or no love.
Really? I wondered. My friend was a man and the female chauvinist in me was ready to jump to the defence of female kind but I let it go. He said that we might just step in to save the girl only for us to be caught in the middle with both the girl and her man attacking you for interfering with their lives. Read Moliere’s play A Doctor In spite of Himself for a classic example.
A month prior to that, we were walking down Nakumatt Uhuru Highway with the same friend when a man started fighting with a lady he claimed he was together with. A crowd gathered because the girl denied that she was with him. The man was grabbing her bag and her but the lady was not making a spirited effort to fight off the man; in fact she almost seemed to be negotiating with him. My friend suggested that the lady was lying; otherwise why did she still stand there and engage the man in a heated argument? If a man or woman whom you don't know stops you in the middle of town and starts pulling at your bag don't you scream THIEF!? I was tempted to argue but once again, I held my tongue and how glad I am that I did not do my characteristic thing and rally to the defence of these women.
An hour later, back to the lovers in the car story, we came back to the flats. The car was now parked next to the black gate. The man was seated sullen, chin propped on his knuckles, elbow on the open driver’s window staring out of his car. The girl was seated still in the same car, buckled up, staring in the opposite direction at the outside world through the passenger window. How is one beaten in a car then sit with her assailant in the car sulking at each other?
“You see!” A much vindicated friend said. “If we had interfered we would have been the ones in trouble. That girl didn’t want to be rescued.” And unfortunately, he was absolutely right.
That got me irate. Women, women, women! When shall we be liberated if we believe to be physically assaulted is part of the love game? That to be slapped and have your hair pulled out in public is part of life? That to have your clothes torn off in the middle of Moi Avenue on a Monday lunchtime has to be forgiven because it’s love anyway and naturally lovers fight? With women like these, the war is half lost, we don't even need men to condemn us, we have condemned ourselves already.
If a man slaps you, scream. That is not love. Run, that is not normal. Never see him again; it isn’t an ‘I am sorry’ situation. Never pick his calls, it isn’t a ‘I just lost it please forgive me’ kind of thing. How many end up dead in a morgue, beaten to a faceless pulp, by the men they claim loved them to death? It all starts with a slap and a forgiveness, giving the chance for a repeat that grows more and more violent and you never realise he is a killer till you are the one in the news as “A woman was hacked with a panga by her irate husband/boyfriend/lover.”
Some say that their cultures dictate they be beaten as a sign of love. Wait till you are in hospital with fatal injuries, we will see where that culture will be to heal you. Why do we allow our reasoning to be done by others, yet we are the ones who feel the pains and even die?
Some say they persevere because of the children. Will your corpse feed them when you are dead from ‘a knock inflicted by a blunt object’ like a rolling pin?
And as for the gold diggers who are too lazy to work for their own money and are afraid that if they run from the man they won’t have anyone to feed them, give them that posh limousine ride their friends so envy and take them to posh hotels, all I can say is that you are the most stupid person on earth.
Is the money worth the black eye you try to hide every week which you claim is as a result of an unfortunate fall? Deep down your heart it hurts. Deep down your soul you know you feel like a piece of trash. Deep down your conscience you know it is not right. It is not right because you are a beautiful woman, dignified mother, lovely sister who deserves the best. But if you treat yourself as garbage, why would anyone else think you are worth anything?
For women who, like that girl, value the cheap plastic covers of second hand Nissan Sunny cars that they can be slapped and kicked and abused yet refuse to open that door and run, heaven have mercy on your poor souls when you go there prematurely. Me, No one will ever beat me, love or no love.
Friday, March 30, 2007
The Now and Here
Of late, the reflective bug has struck me. I have found myself philosophizing about all manner of things until I am beginning to scare myself. You see, I thought I knew all my split personalities – psychologists suggest that you can have more than two personalities – but apparently, there is another one that is emerging. I am tempted to talk about my alter egos and multiple personalities but let me spare that for another day.
Back to the point, the reflective bug. I have turned into a small philosopher and before this phase wears out, it must surely do because I do not believe in pompous idling in the name of mulling over larger than life issues, you will have to bear with my thoughts.
Recently, I talked to a friend, Simon*, who has been suffering from a life threatening disease. Simon contracted tuberculosis mid last year and for the last nine or so months, he has been undergoing rigorous TB medication. Taking a regiment of drugs every day for nine months is not funny in the least; and when these drugs have all manner of side effects, the situation becomes very trying. In addition, there is the public stigma associated with TB with most people assuming that all TB sufferers are HIV positive.
It is true that most HIV patients eventually end up getting TB as one of the opportunistic diseases that plague them but even in HIV positive patients TB can be cured. Until recently, TB was largely a controlled disease but with the increasing rates of HIV and AIDS, the disease has re-emerged causing worldwide concern. As a result, many people with latent TB, which means they have inactive TB bacteria in their system but which is not causing any harm, are contracting active TB and being infected by the disease. About a third of the world’s population has latent TB according to recent research.
When Simon discovered he had TB, he was terrified but he managed to pull himself together, took his medicine religiously and put in place all the necessary measures to ensure his recovery. He is now on the road to recovery. Contracting TB made Simon rethink his life, priorities and since then, he has been a different man. He now knows that life is short, can change in an instant and that one needs to make the most of every single moment one has as it may be the last.
We have all heard many stories like Simon’s; stories of near death experiences that changed someone’s outlook on life forever, and every time we hear such stories, we are roused within our hearts. The desire to reform ourselves and make the most of our lives burns within us. Alas, if only this feeling were permanent. Soon after, we forget the power of this feeling that stirred us so much and before we know it, we are back to our old selves thinking that we have all the time in the world. We can still afford to play around with the important things in our lives.
This incredible aspect of the human nature to forget even the hardest and most painful lessons that we have learned still amazes me. We perpetually refuse to learn from the experiences of others and not until the tragedy happens to us will we learn and in some instances, we even refuse to learn from our own experiences. So what does it take for us humans to value the gift of life bestowed upon us? A death? A maiming road accident? Getting fired from our jobs? What? I still do not have an answer.
Nevertheless, it is absolutely important that each one of us engages in an introspective journey where we map out the important things to us, bench mark them and then evaluate how close or far we are from them on our life’s journey.
For my part, I have come to realize that it is the things that we think of as simple that end up being of the most important. It is your family that loves you, it is that special someone that can bring a smile on your face at your lowest moment, it is your good health, it is your friends who put up with all the crap that you dish out, it is that you live in a peaceful nation.
Unfortunately, these are the very same things we never give the time of day; we are forever busy at work to have time for our families; we are too busy chasing after the dream life to enjoy the here and now; we are constantly complaining about how fat, thin, short or tall we are to be thankful that we are in good health and not confined to a hospital bed. We are chasing the future and dwelling on the past that we never live the present.
When the time will come for us to stand up and be counted, many of us will realize with sadness and regret that we let our lives pass us by. The big cash, cars and houses that we so determinedly fought to achieve mean nothing; and in our blind pursuit of these things, we pushed away the things and people that really mattered creating a rift that can never be completely sealed.
I thank God for my friend Simon and for the life lessons that he has taught me. I hope I will not forget them until my own experiences give me a cruel reminder. I, like Simon, have decided to prioritize my life focussing on what matters most to me. I can only hope that you will do the same thing before it is too late.
Back to the point, the reflective bug. I have turned into a small philosopher and before this phase wears out, it must surely do because I do not believe in pompous idling in the name of mulling over larger than life issues, you will have to bear with my thoughts.
Recently, I talked to a friend, Simon*, who has been suffering from a life threatening disease. Simon contracted tuberculosis mid last year and for the last nine or so months, he has been undergoing rigorous TB medication. Taking a regiment of drugs every day for nine months is not funny in the least; and when these drugs have all manner of side effects, the situation becomes very trying. In addition, there is the public stigma associated with TB with most people assuming that all TB sufferers are HIV positive.
It is true that most HIV patients eventually end up getting TB as one of the opportunistic diseases that plague them but even in HIV positive patients TB can be cured. Until recently, TB was largely a controlled disease but with the increasing rates of HIV and AIDS, the disease has re-emerged causing worldwide concern. As a result, many people with latent TB, which means they have inactive TB bacteria in their system but which is not causing any harm, are contracting active TB and being infected by the disease. About a third of the world’s population has latent TB according to recent research.
When Simon discovered he had TB, he was terrified but he managed to pull himself together, took his medicine religiously and put in place all the necessary measures to ensure his recovery. He is now on the road to recovery. Contracting TB made Simon rethink his life, priorities and since then, he has been a different man. He now knows that life is short, can change in an instant and that one needs to make the most of every single moment one has as it may be the last.
We have all heard many stories like Simon’s; stories of near death experiences that changed someone’s outlook on life forever, and every time we hear such stories, we are roused within our hearts. The desire to reform ourselves and make the most of our lives burns within us. Alas, if only this feeling were permanent. Soon after, we forget the power of this feeling that stirred us so much and before we know it, we are back to our old selves thinking that we have all the time in the world. We can still afford to play around with the important things in our lives.
This incredible aspect of the human nature to forget even the hardest and most painful lessons that we have learned still amazes me. We perpetually refuse to learn from the experiences of others and not until the tragedy happens to us will we learn and in some instances, we even refuse to learn from our own experiences. So what does it take for us humans to value the gift of life bestowed upon us? A death? A maiming road accident? Getting fired from our jobs? What? I still do not have an answer.
Nevertheless, it is absolutely important that each one of us engages in an introspective journey where we map out the important things to us, bench mark them and then evaluate how close or far we are from them on our life’s journey.
For my part, I have come to realize that it is the things that we think of as simple that end up being of the most important. It is your family that loves you, it is that special someone that can bring a smile on your face at your lowest moment, it is your good health, it is your friends who put up with all the crap that you dish out, it is that you live in a peaceful nation.
Unfortunately, these are the very same things we never give the time of day; we are forever busy at work to have time for our families; we are too busy chasing after the dream life to enjoy the here and now; we are constantly complaining about how fat, thin, short or tall we are to be thankful that we are in good health and not confined to a hospital bed. We are chasing the future and dwelling on the past that we never live the present.
When the time will come for us to stand up and be counted, many of us will realize with sadness and regret that we let our lives pass us by. The big cash, cars and houses that we so determinedly fought to achieve mean nothing; and in our blind pursuit of these things, we pushed away the things and people that really mattered creating a rift that can never be completely sealed.
I thank God for my friend Simon and for the life lessons that he has taught me. I hope I will not forget them until my own experiences give me a cruel reminder. I, like Simon, have decided to prioritize my life focussing on what matters most to me. I can only hope that you will do the same thing before it is too late.
Friday, March 23, 2007
WOMAN LOOSE THYSELF!
This is a belated tribute to the International Women’s Day which was marked on the 8th March although I am not sure whether some of my readers will think of it as a tribute by the time they get to the final full stop.
March 08 came and went; and I can bet with my life that there was a significant number of people out there, women included, who did not know that it was the International Women’s Day. In fact, I am sure some of you reading this article now are going “Ooooh! You mean? I didn’t know that! What is it all about?”
As I celebrated all the things that come with being a woman; I was struck by one of those reflective moods. On my mind were a number of questions: What defines the 21st century woman? What gains has she made compared to her predecessors? Is she liberated, empowered and able to claim her natural rights? These were not easy questions to answer and so, I decided to do some research, albeit jua kali. I set out to observe today’s woman; how did she conduct herself, how was she portrayed in society, the media and other arenas? The findings of my research left a lot to be desired.
Today’s society, including a good number of women, would have us believe that the 21st century woman has nothing to complain about. She is educated, she is serving in the army, she brings home the bacon and she is driving a top of the range vehicle. As if that is not enough, she holds a parliamentary seat, I mean, for heaven’s sake, she is a government minister, secretary of state of the world’s most powerful nation and a president!
In fact, some people would tell you to shut up if you started saying that today’s woman is still shackled, maybe more than in the past. You would be accused of being a lunatic and probably committed to one of our mental institutions but not before receiving a severe scolding by both men and women.
But is today’s woman really free? Freedom, they say, is the ability to choose your chains. So, let us explore the chains today’s woman has decided to bind herself with, working on the assumption that she is free, as so many 21st century women consider themselves to be. The first voluntary chain that I came across was the chain of behaving like men. There is this branch of feminism, which in my opinion is barking the wrong tree, which believes equality means being equal.
The women who have chosen this chain are out there proving that they can be as badly behaved as the boys. If the boys can down eight martinis, they can down 16; if the boys can talk vulgar, so can they; and who says that a woman cannot engage in as much promiscuous sex as she desires? It is not a preserve of men only; we too can enjoy a tumble in the hay.
The reason I believe that this kind of feminism is a red herring, misplaced and has digressed from the bona fide reason for feminist movements’ formation, is not because I think women should not be allowed to do what they want; no. On the contrary, I feel women have the right to be whatever they want to be. But having said that, there are certain socially deviant behaviours that in my opinion no man or woman should engage in for whatever reason.
And the fact that men have been exhibiting these bad manners for years is no reason for a woman, especially one who considers herself empowered, to ape them in the name of being liberated. That will just not do; if anything, it places the very real and salient issues that feminist all over the world are fighting for in a vulnerable position; with critics using such attitudes to deviate discussion from the real issues. It invites the immature castigation of empowered women as simply women who could not get enough of it and therefore wanted to romp around, who have too much money that they don’t know what to do with it and who should have been born men because they behave as the men. And on that note, equality and equal are definitely not the same thing; but that is a discussion for another day.
Another chain that many women seem to be choosing for themselves or when yoked with it by society, gladly accept it is the chain of a woman as a sex symbol. I don’t need to belabour this point, all one has to do is to watch music videos. This is one place where the battle of the sexes does not exist with both male and female artistes agreeing that women in their videos need to be portrayed as sex objects.
Female artistes gladly emphasize their curvaceous almost nude bodies in their videos, gyrating their hips and revealing enough booty leaving very little to imagination. Their male counterparts on the other hand are in the production of soft pornography with these videos that air day time on our local TV stations showing them in all manner of sexually suggestive situations with their bikini clad women.
I am not attacking female sexuality; heaven knows our sexuality as women has been used against us for a long time as a form of oppression with FGM and prescribed dressing being just but a few examples. However, emphasizing if not forcing society to see us only as sexual objects again beats the purposes of the so many sexual freedoms that today’s woman deserves.
I know I have managed to rile and provoke a good number of women out there to an insane degree, but I have no apologies to make. As long as women continue to throw away their freedom by binding themselves with manacles that they need not have, then such articles will continue being written by me. It is time we truly liberated ourselves as women by wisely choosing our shackles.
March 08 came and went; and I can bet with my life that there was a significant number of people out there, women included, who did not know that it was the International Women’s Day. In fact, I am sure some of you reading this article now are going “Ooooh! You mean? I didn’t know that! What is it all about?”
As I celebrated all the things that come with being a woman; I was struck by one of those reflective moods. On my mind were a number of questions: What defines the 21st century woman? What gains has she made compared to her predecessors? Is she liberated, empowered and able to claim her natural rights? These were not easy questions to answer and so, I decided to do some research, albeit jua kali. I set out to observe today’s woman; how did she conduct herself, how was she portrayed in society, the media and other arenas? The findings of my research left a lot to be desired.
Today’s society, including a good number of women, would have us believe that the 21st century woman has nothing to complain about. She is educated, she is serving in the army, she brings home the bacon and she is driving a top of the range vehicle. As if that is not enough, she holds a parliamentary seat, I mean, for heaven’s sake, she is a government minister, secretary of state of the world’s most powerful nation and a president!
In fact, some people would tell you to shut up if you started saying that today’s woman is still shackled, maybe more than in the past. You would be accused of being a lunatic and probably committed to one of our mental institutions but not before receiving a severe scolding by both men and women.
But is today’s woman really free? Freedom, they say, is the ability to choose your chains. So, let us explore the chains today’s woman has decided to bind herself with, working on the assumption that she is free, as so many 21st century women consider themselves to be. The first voluntary chain that I came across was the chain of behaving like men. There is this branch of feminism, which in my opinion is barking the wrong tree, which believes equality means being equal.
The women who have chosen this chain are out there proving that they can be as badly behaved as the boys. If the boys can down eight martinis, they can down 16; if the boys can talk vulgar, so can they; and who says that a woman cannot engage in as much promiscuous sex as she desires? It is not a preserve of men only; we too can enjoy a tumble in the hay.
The reason I believe that this kind of feminism is a red herring, misplaced and has digressed from the bona fide reason for feminist movements’ formation, is not because I think women should not be allowed to do what they want; no. On the contrary, I feel women have the right to be whatever they want to be. But having said that, there are certain socially deviant behaviours that in my opinion no man or woman should engage in for whatever reason.
And the fact that men have been exhibiting these bad manners for years is no reason for a woman, especially one who considers herself empowered, to ape them in the name of being liberated. That will just not do; if anything, it places the very real and salient issues that feminist all over the world are fighting for in a vulnerable position; with critics using such attitudes to deviate discussion from the real issues. It invites the immature castigation of empowered women as simply women who could not get enough of it and therefore wanted to romp around, who have too much money that they don’t know what to do with it and who should have been born men because they behave as the men. And on that note, equality and equal are definitely not the same thing; but that is a discussion for another day.
Another chain that many women seem to be choosing for themselves or when yoked with it by society, gladly accept it is the chain of a woman as a sex symbol. I don’t need to belabour this point, all one has to do is to watch music videos. This is one place where the battle of the sexes does not exist with both male and female artistes agreeing that women in their videos need to be portrayed as sex objects.
Female artistes gladly emphasize their curvaceous almost nude bodies in their videos, gyrating their hips and revealing enough booty leaving very little to imagination. Their male counterparts on the other hand are in the production of soft pornography with these videos that air day time on our local TV stations showing them in all manner of sexually suggestive situations with their bikini clad women.
I am not attacking female sexuality; heaven knows our sexuality as women has been used against us for a long time as a form of oppression with FGM and prescribed dressing being just but a few examples. However, emphasizing if not forcing society to see us only as sexual objects again beats the purposes of the so many sexual freedoms that today’s woman deserves.
I know I have managed to rile and provoke a good number of women out there to an insane degree, but I have no apologies to make. As long as women continue to throw away their freedom by binding themselves with manacles that they need not have, then such articles will continue being written by me. It is time we truly liberated ourselves as women by wisely choosing our shackles.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
When sorry just won't do!
I have come to learn that there are certain words in our vocabulary that are an exact antonym for what they mean; and they are many. And many things are done and said in the name of actualizing the meanings of such words. ‘Love’ happens to be one such word. Love is supposed to elicit happiness, joy, and excitement but in most cases it brings on broken hearts, sorrow and tears.
But one of the most misused words I have come across in the English language is the word ‘sorry’. The uttering of this word is meant as an apology, an appeasement for some wrong doing by the one who says it and it is hopefully meant to make amends. Unfortunately, for most people ‘am sorry’ has become a very convenient way of avoiding facing up to their responsibilities and the consequences of their actions. It is a means for justifying their actions and for some, it is a weapon for diffusing the wrath of those they have offended.
‘Sorry’ has also been used to play emotional games with the wrong doer saying it to manipulate the plaintiff. People will tell you sorry to put you in a position where you have to forgive them failure to which, you look bad. Sorry rarely constitutes a genuine apology.
It is because of this that I have come up with a checklist for apologies. Before I accept anyone’s apology, they need to meet a few requirements to ensure that they are not taking me for a ride and to determine if they qualify to be forgiven.
Top on this list is the why; the why in an apology helps to determine the reasoning employed by the offender in doing the action that they are now sorry for. If I have been sitting in a restaurant waiting for you and you are an hour late, you shouldn’t expect to come and say you are sorry and expect things to be fine. I don’t so much need your apology like I need to understand what is it that you were doing during that one hour that was so important to keep me waiting for an hour.
Most people like taking short cuts and they simply want to say they are sorry and when you ask them for the reason, they start throwing a tantrum saying they have apologized and if you can’t accept their apology, then there is nothing they can do about it. That does not cut in my books; you must work harder than that.
A genuine apology means a confession. I find it almost impossible to believe an apology that comes after one has been caught red handed. If you catch your husband cheating on you and he starts blubbering and jabbering all manner of apologies on bended knees, does that mean he is sorry? Yes, but sorry that he has been caught not sorry that he was cheating. If he was genuinely sorry about having had a roll in the hay, the guilt would have been gnawing at him so badly that he would have confessed his crimes without you having to catch him first. A true apology means recognizing that what you did is wrong and not needing the threat of a lost marriage or friendship for you to be sorry.
An apology should also constitute restitution. It is not enough for you to say you are sorry; you should show this by trying to make amends where possible. If you have kept someone waiting for you in a restaurant forcing them to take unnecessary drinks or meals as they wait for you, then the least you can do is pay for them. If you have damaged someone’s property, replace it. Restitution is an important part of an apology. Of course, there are some offences for which compensation is not possible but even for those, one can look for other means of easing the magnitude of their crime.
Lastly, a genuine apology should include a firm desire not to repeat the offence. Most people are in law terms repeat offenders. We all have friends who are always sorry for doing the same thing over and over again that we no longer bother with their apologies. Any true apology means one will desist from any other behaviour that is similar to the offensive one.
Now, that is what I call an apology. The next time someone utters those two simple words “am sorry” pause for a moment and have a think about it.
But one of the most misused words I have come across in the English language is the word ‘sorry’. The uttering of this word is meant as an apology, an appeasement for some wrong doing by the one who says it and it is hopefully meant to make amends. Unfortunately, for most people ‘am sorry’ has become a very convenient way of avoiding facing up to their responsibilities and the consequences of their actions. It is a means for justifying their actions and for some, it is a weapon for diffusing the wrath of those they have offended.
‘Sorry’ has also been used to play emotional games with the wrong doer saying it to manipulate the plaintiff. People will tell you sorry to put you in a position where you have to forgive them failure to which, you look bad. Sorry rarely constitutes a genuine apology.
It is because of this that I have come up with a checklist for apologies. Before I accept anyone’s apology, they need to meet a few requirements to ensure that they are not taking me for a ride and to determine if they qualify to be forgiven.
Top on this list is the why; the why in an apology helps to determine the reasoning employed by the offender in doing the action that they are now sorry for. If I have been sitting in a restaurant waiting for you and you are an hour late, you shouldn’t expect to come and say you are sorry and expect things to be fine. I don’t so much need your apology like I need to understand what is it that you were doing during that one hour that was so important to keep me waiting for an hour.
Most people like taking short cuts and they simply want to say they are sorry and when you ask them for the reason, they start throwing a tantrum saying they have apologized and if you can’t accept their apology, then there is nothing they can do about it. That does not cut in my books; you must work harder than that.
A genuine apology means a confession. I find it almost impossible to believe an apology that comes after one has been caught red handed. If you catch your husband cheating on you and he starts blubbering and jabbering all manner of apologies on bended knees, does that mean he is sorry? Yes, but sorry that he has been caught not sorry that he was cheating. If he was genuinely sorry about having had a roll in the hay, the guilt would have been gnawing at him so badly that he would have confessed his crimes without you having to catch him first. A true apology means recognizing that what you did is wrong and not needing the threat of a lost marriage or friendship for you to be sorry.
An apology should also constitute restitution. It is not enough for you to say you are sorry; you should show this by trying to make amends where possible. If you have kept someone waiting for you in a restaurant forcing them to take unnecessary drinks or meals as they wait for you, then the least you can do is pay for them. If you have damaged someone’s property, replace it. Restitution is an important part of an apology. Of course, there are some offences for which compensation is not possible but even for those, one can look for other means of easing the magnitude of their crime.
Lastly, a genuine apology should include a firm desire not to repeat the offence. Most people are in law terms repeat offenders. We all have friends who are always sorry for doing the same thing over and over again that we no longer bother with their apologies. Any true apology means one will desist from any other behaviour that is similar to the offensive one.
Now, that is what I call an apology. The next time someone utters those two simple words “am sorry” pause for a moment and have a think about it.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
When time comes to strangle the boss!
It was a quiet Sunday evening and we had just finished a wonderful dinner and were chatting amicably when our conversation was interrupted by the beeping of a cell phone. My friend, whom I shall call Mark, fished for his phone from where he had thrown it and as he scrolled through the message, I saw his hitherto relaxed face metamorphosise from mild irritation (at seeing the identity of the sender) to consternation (as he read the message) and finally, to an angry outburst. Concerned, we all inquired what was wrong and an angry tirade followed.
Apparently, Mark’s boss, who is a job fanatic, was sending him a text message to remind him about a much dreaded meeting the next day. This he did after having sent them memos on Friday, emails and put up notices just to be sure that they got the message. After joining Mark in cursing his boss who seemed to have nothing better to do than to ruin his employees’ weekends by sending messages about a meeting, we proceeded to discuss the different sorts of bosses.
I want to share with you some of the interesting descriptions of bosses that came up during our discussion. In addition, I think bosses need to hear a few hard facts about some very annoying habits and small things they do that drive their employees up the wall. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that an employee somewhere attempted to strangle his or her boss for I know of many people who have entertained this thought repeatedly. In fact, a friend constantly expresses her great disappointment about solar eclipses being so infrequent. This friend has a fantasy that she would wish to play out gleefully in the event that a solar eclipse did occur. Her fantasy is to corner her boss somewhere outside and give him a few physical lesions. Fortunately for her boss, the solar eclipse is yet to strike.
One would be forgiven for thinking that bosses were never employees and if they were, then they have suffered from permanent amnesia of their days of having to work under someone from the way they treat their staff.
Looking at the various types of bosses, let us start with the ‘sometimes boss.’ This kind of boss is a very temperamental person to work for. This is the type who will come one morning in the office with a spring in their step, go round the office shaking everybody’s hand and asking after their welfare and that of their families on Monday. On Tuesday, the same person will be looking like a thunder cloud with yesterday’s smiles seeming like an illusion that never existed and he will spend the day barking at everybody.
The ‘sometimes boss’ is also the kind of boss who will sit and chat you up; in fact, cracking jokes with you one day and the next day, she pulls ranks and wants to be treated with the status accorded to her position. The problem of dealing with such a boss is that you as the employee are always jittery, uncertain on how to deal with your boss. Employees are therefore forced to develop a hawkish observation of their bosses to be able to read the mood and then act accordingly. Such bosses also turn out to be bad bosses because they give the employee a false sense of friendship and familiarity which might lead to the employee overstepping the boundaries only to be rudely shocked when the boss rebukes them.
Then there is the ‘last minute boss’ and I have listened to the woes of a friend who has such a boss. The last minute boss is one who thinks his job description is to upset your schedule and create pressure. A last minute boss may know of an important board meeting a month in advance but does nothing to prepare for it. On the morning of the meeting, he storms into the office ordering all phones to be unhooked, all staff to stop their work and help him prepare for the meeting. Worse still, this boss may see you spending a night in the office (canceling dates, earlier plans) as you prepare a report which he knew was needed the next day but has only told you about it at 4 pm on the eve of the meeting. Now, that is a boss one would want to strangle.
The ‘idle boss’ is one of the worst kind of bosses that you could possibly have. This kind does not have enough work to do and to kill boredom, will keep on interrupting you to engage in idle chit chat and yet expect you to meet your deadlines. There is also the ‘after hours boss’ which is where I would categorise Mark’s boss. This boss thinks you have nothing better to do with your weekends and free time and will call you up at odd hours to ask you some unimportant office matter or to just brainstorm.
Kenyans are hardworking people and most of them give their fair share of what is required and bosses should know that the last thing their employees want is any one of the kinds of bosses listed above. The temptation to classify my boss is very strong but for the sake of my job security, I will refrain from doing so.
Apparently, Mark’s boss, who is a job fanatic, was sending him a text message to remind him about a much dreaded meeting the next day. This he did after having sent them memos on Friday, emails and put up notices just to be sure that they got the message. After joining Mark in cursing his boss who seemed to have nothing better to do than to ruin his employees’ weekends by sending messages about a meeting, we proceeded to discuss the different sorts of bosses.
I want to share with you some of the interesting descriptions of bosses that came up during our discussion. In addition, I think bosses need to hear a few hard facts about some very annoying habits and small things they do that drive their employees up the wall. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that an employee somewhere attempted to strangle his or her boss for I know of many people who have entertained this thought repeatedly. In fact, a friend constantly expresses her great disappointment about solar eclipses being so infrequent. This friend has a fantasy that she would wish to play out gleefully in the event that a solar eclipse did occur. Her fantasy is to corner her boss somewhere outside and give him a few physical lesions. Fortunately for her boss, the solar eclipse is yet to strike.
One would be forgiven for thinking that bosses were never employees and if they were, then they have suffered from permanent amnesia of their days of having to work under someone from the way they treat their staff.
Looking at the various types of bosses, let us start with the ‘sometimes boss.’ This kind of boss is a very temperamental person to work for. This is the type who will come one morning in the office with a spring in their step, go round the office shaking everybody’s hand and asking after their welfare and that of their families on Monday. On Tuesday, the same person will be looking like a thunder cloud with yesterday’s smiles seeming like an illusion that never existed and he will spend the day barking at everybody.
The ‘sometimes boss’ is also the kind of boss who will sit and chat you up; in fact, cracking jokes with you one day and the next day, she pulls ranks and wants to be treated with the status accorded to her position. The problem of dealing with such a boss is that you as the employee are always jittery, uncertain on how to deal with your boss. Employees are therefore forced to develop a hawkish observation of their bosses to be able to read the mood and then act accordingly. Such bosses also turn out to be bad bosses because they give the employee a false sense of friendship and familiarity which might lead to the employee overstepping the boundaries only to be rudely shocked when the boss rebukes them.
Then there is the ‘last minute boss’ and I have listened to the woes of a friend who has such a boss. The last minute boss is one who thinks his job description is to upset your schedule and create pressure. A last minute boss may know of an important board meeting a month in advance but does nothing to prepare for it. On the morning of the meeting, he storms into the office ordering all phones to be unhooked, all staff to stop their work and help him prepare for the meeting. Worse still, this boss may see you spending a night in the office (canceling dates, earlier plans) as you prepare a report which he knew was needed the next day but has only told you about it at 4 pm on the eve of the meeting. Now, that is a boss one would want to strangle.
The ‘idle boss’ is one of the worst kind of bosses that you could possibly have. This kind does not have enough work to do and to kill boredom, will keep on interrupting you to engage in idle chit chat and yet expect you to meet your deadlines. There is also the ‘after hours boss’ which is where I would categorise Mark’s boss. This boss thinks you have nothing better to do with your weekends and free time and will call you up at odd hours to ask you some unimportant office matter or to just brainstorm.
Kenyans are hardworking people and most of them give their fair share of what is required and bosses should know that the last thing their employees want is any one of the kinds of bosses listed above. The temptation to classify my boss is very strong but for the sake of my job security, I will refrain from doing so.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
STRENGTH OF A WOMAN
Last weekend I witnessed something that convinced me that the idea that there can even be a battle among the sexes is a myth informed by eons of ignorance. The reality is really simple: women are the stronger sex with the men not only falling short but not comparable. In fact, men really should stop their posturing as the stronger sex that is supposed to protect the damsels in distress because really, the strength of a woman is mind blowing.You must be wondering by now what gibberish I am going on about, especially for our dear chauvinists, so let me stop dangling the carrot and give you the actual carrot. I witnessed a delivery of a new born baby. Kate*, my friend, was giving birth and I was given access by the hospital to be with her right from the onset of her labour to the actual delivery. I saw it all.In retrospect, maybe I should not have jumped at the opportunity. What I witnessed in there has left me permanently traumatized and I think I will only have children when scientists find a way to make men get pregnant, carry the baby to full term and give birth with the utmost pain possible. The day this discovery will be made, I will be the first one to run to the streets and capture a husband.As Kate’s husband and I kept her company during the endless hours of labour contractions, and as I watched her writhe in pain, I kept wondering how much more she could endure. Kate is lucky to be blessed with an exceptional gem of a husband; I don’t think there are ten men in the world of his calibre. This man braved his wife’s howls of pain and he was with her right up to the point the baby came out.But unlike Kate, there were many other women in the maternity ward who were not as lucky. I listened to these women letting out heart rending screams of pain with no one to comfort them. They were all alone with their husbands either too cowardly to be with them during that moment; – yet they did not have a problem participating in making the baby – or in some bar drinking with their buddies and bragging about how they were soon to become fathers.Kate was in labour for more than 12 hours before the baby came but if you saw her the next day, you would not believe that she is the same woman who had gone through such a horrible experience.Apart from childbirth, women are constantly faced by many other challenges; there is their monthly menses which is a whole story by itself. During ‘that time of the month’ women are besieged by their own bodies with hormones running amok and with that, fluctuation of emotions strikes and yet, the woman is expected to go on with her daily chores uninterrupted.It is not enough that the woman is the one who gives birth, her irresponsible husband largely abandons the duty of raising the children to her and in some instances, he will completely abscond duty leaving her to fend for her young ones through whatever means possible.There are also the cultural and societal systems that are skewed against the woman with our society being largely a patrilineal one, which basically means the men are allowed to laze about in the pretext of leading while in actual sense the women hold the society together by their hard work and concerted efforts.The woman, especially the African woman, is subjected to loads and loads of setbacks throughout her life but somehow, she is able to prevail. From physical suffering to emotional and psychological suffering that she faces, the woman stands, a strong tower fortified by steel, allowing nothing to stand in her way.A woman is as tender and soft as a feather when her loved ones need her for comfort and strength, and yet, she is an indomitable warrior when they need her protection and she will die to protect them.A man? My vocabulary fails me; I cannot bring forth equally poetic words to describe him. The only pain which he probably goes through is circumcision and that is really a voluntary one time pain that is quickly forgotten. In everything else, society has laid for him a table with the choicest things that life has to offer and yet he does not take what is freely given to him.When the musician Shaggy sang the song Strength of a woman¸ he knew what he was talking about. It is the right of every woman in the world to be loved, cherished but most importantly respected. And as for giving birth, for those men who insist on having zillions of children or possess the Neanderthal thinking of getting a boy despite having four lovely girls, they should zip up unless they will carry the pregnancy for half the time and give birth.
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